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Feeling the pinch because of the cost-of-living crisis? Just paid €5 for a loaf of sliced bread? If it’s any consolation, everyone is feeling the squeeze, including the United Nations.

How else to explain this photo of Ursula von der Leyen and Donald Trump at the U.N. General Assembly in New York …

First of all, the European Commission president looks like she’s a hypnotist telling the crowd to be quiet before she wakes up her, er, glamorous assistant and makes him perform a series of humiliating tasks such as eating a raw onion as though it were an apple and hiring JD Vance.

Now focus on what’s between these two, er, titans of the global stage. It’s not … it can’t be … an Ikea table? More specifically, it appears to be the LACK side table — also available in brown and white and yours for just €9.99 (is this a desperate attempt to get this column sponsored? — ed).

Clearly this is soft (furnishings) power in action! I have questions … does the U.N. employ someone to put together flat-pack furniture? Would Trump eat Swedish meatballs? Who is the mysterious Allen Key on the U.N. payroll?

But what a missed opportunity by the U.N. to troll Trump by putting an Ikea scented candle on the table, in particular the FLÄRDFULL candle (flärdfull means “vain” in Swedish).

Von der Leyen was just glad to get a chair. She’s likely still angry after the 2021 incident in which Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdoğan and now former European Council President (and turtleneck enthusiast) Charles Michel got chairs during a meeting in Ankara while she was relegated to a bean bag in the shape of a doughnut (or maybe a sofa).

How Vladimir Putin must be laughing at the U.N. He’d never be seen sitting at something so puny. Putin of course prefers that giant table (roughly 5 meters in length and held up by three thick pillars — it would be impossible to get it home from Ikea).

Trump would never have such a plain piece of furniture as the U.N. table in the Oval Office, which has been given a serious gilding of late. Trump reportedly called in the help of his personal “gold guy” — John Icart, a 70-year-old cabinetmaker from Florida — to add as many golden touches as possible. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt described it as a “golden office for the golden age,” although musician Jack White said it more closely resembled a professional wrestler’s dressing room — and soon it kind of will be.

The Temu-ization of the Oval Office is nothing compared with what’s coming, as the Ultimate Fighting Championship is due to hold an event on the South Lawn of the White House in June 2026 to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the U.S. And what better way to mark such a special occasion than by having people in their underwear beat the shit out of each other for the amusement of a wannabe emperor (surely Trump will be sitting on a golden throne and wearing a toga, complete with too-long red tie).

Sketches have been released of the planned UFC arena and it will look every bit as tasteful as you imagine. It will host 5,000 spectators and feature a lit arch framing the Washington Monument. More importantly, the fighters “are gonna walk out of the Oval Office,” UFC boss and human thumb Dana White told Fox News.

The fighters will enjoy that part but they might get seriously injured and even need to take some painkillers. Paracetamol might not be available, however, as the Trump administration has waged war on it. Thankfully, there will be plentiful supplies of ivermectin and bleach.

Big thanks to Max Griera and Gerardo Fortuna.

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by Sean O’Mahony