Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

“Good evening and welcome to the BBC News at 10. Today’s top story… Donald Trump is wonderful, and brilliant, and oh-so handsome, and his suits definitely fit properly. In other news, wars are still raging everywhere. Here’s Darren with the weather…”

Is this the future of the British Broadcasting Corporation now that Donald Trump has set its sights on it? The U.S. president said he has an “obligation” to sue the BBC over a badly spliced edit of his speech on Jan. 6, 2021, in a documentary that aired last year. His lawyers want $1 billion, which is a lot of money (about the same as an average European family’s monthly energy bills).

Asked by Fox News (which isn’t presented by, catered to, or often watched by actual foxes) if he would go ahead with the lawsuit following his Friday night deadline for a retraction of the documentary, Trump said: “Well I guess I have to, you know, why not, because they defrauded the public, and they’ve admitted it.”

Trump of course always tells the truth and was definitely doing so when he said that he’d cut medicine prices “by 1,500 percent” (which would mean paying Americans to take the drugs); or that “there’s no inflation” (there is inflation); or that he “turned the valve” so that Los Angeles could have water (there’s no valve that magically makes water appear in Southern California); or, I mean this could go on for some time.

There are other problems at the BBC, of course. The leaked internal memo from Michael Prescott, a former independent external adviser to its editorial standards committee, that kicked off the entire Trump drama also highlighted issues with the broadcaster’s coverage of the transgender issue and the Israel-Gaza war.

And so the BBC’s director general and head of news have resigned, which means someone has to run the ship (at least until Nigel Farage becomes prime minister and disbands the whole thing, makes himself the lead news anchor, and replaces all the lovingly made David Attenborough nature documentaries with repeats of the Benny Hill Show).

Who could take on such a gargantuan task as running the BBC in such politically charged times? Here are the 5 leading contenders, according to a high-level source within the BBC (OK, I give in, it was Tinky-Winky from the Teletubbies):

JD Vance
Who? U.S. vice president, author of “Hillbilly Elegy” and victim of shocking internet rumors that he had sex with a couch. Owner of retailer JD Sports (probably).
Why he could get the job: Close to Trump, so could oversee a dramatic overhaul of the corporation. Not a fan of woke or “childless cat ladies,” which would help him achieve that aim.
Why he won’t get it: Has made it clear that the U.S. won’t always be there to bail out Europe, whether that’s aid for Ukraine or the TV channel that made “Don’t Scare The Hare”, in which contestants had to complete tasks without alarming a 4-foot animatronic robot hare.

Nicolas Sarkozy
Who? Former French president and legal trouble enthusiast.
Why he could get the job: Angry and motivated after recent stint in jail. Wife Carla Bruni would bring glamour to grey old Britain.
Why he won’t get it: French.

Liz Truss
Who? Blink-and-you-missed-it former British prime minister (yes, that actually happened).
Why she could get the job: Has experience of bringing about major change (crashing the economy) to a once-respected international brand (the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland) in a short space of time (49 days).
Why she won’t get it: Would immediately ban any cooking shows that involve the use of lettuce, thus damaging the profit margins of British farmers. Cataclysmically unpopular.

József Szájer
Who? Former right-wing Hungarian MEP caught trying to flee a gay orgy.
Why he could get the job: Would not be fazed by scandal and adversity. Used to getting out of sticky situations.
Why he won’t get it: Cost of replacing BBC Broadcasting House’s doors with drainpipes could prove prohibitive.

Andrew Mountbatten Windsor
Who? The royal formerly known as Prince Andrew.
Why he could get the job: Won’t break a sweat running the BBC, because he doesn’t sweat. Has had strong friendships with important figures in the American entertainment industry. Plenty of time on his hands.
Why he won’t get it: Erm…

CAPTION COMPETITION

“I love this guy. Go Turkey!”

Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.

Last week, we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“Here, Lars!  You take the plastic podium. The steel one, I will protect.“

by Fred Myers