Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Happy Orgies in Brussels season to all who celebrate!

It’s been five years (where does the time go?) since right-wing Hungarian MEP József Szájer was caught trying to flee a gay orgy during Covid lockdown. And it’s been a scarcely believable decade since soldiers and police in Brussels reportedly held an orgy while their colleagues hunted for terror suspects in the wake of the Paris terror attacks. A police spokesperson later said that no such orgy took place, but the officers were instead having drinks to honor a colleague who was leaving, which begs the question — how many drinks did they have?

Rumors about the orgy were started by “certain female police officers, jealous for not having been invited to the evening,” Johan De Becker, then chief of the Brussels West policing zone, told the newspaper La Capitale. So remember the golden rule: Don’t mess with Belgian cops.

Speaking of whom, the police have, in addition to their usual orgy-related activities, been trying out snazzy new uniforms. However, in what can only be described as Peak Belgium, a nationwide rollout of the uniforms has been delayed because they only have the word politie on them and not the word police. Plus, there have been complaints that the color scheme — a seemingly classic combo of dark blue and yellow — is too close to the black-and-yellow found on the Flemish flag (the Vlaamse Leeuw). That flag features what is purportedly a lion, but appears closer to a dragon that’s making an ill-fated attempt at juggling.

Police in Italy, meanwhile, have been taking a break from patrolling cafés for cappuccino-after-lunch offenders and thwarted the crime of the century by apprehending a man from Lombardy who had allegedly been dressing up as his dead mother in order to claim her pension.

Suspicion was raised when the man, complete with a wig and wearing makeup and jewellery, tried to renew his mom’s ID card. Local media reported that instead of registering her death, the man allegedly hid her body in his home — presumably so they could watch the movie “Psycho” together.

Cops in France have of course been chasing the criminals behind the Louvre heist, and this week made four more arrests. The first batch of alleged thieves were charged with organized theft, which carries a 15-year prison sentence, and criminal conspiracy, punishable by 10 years in prison. If Nicolas Sarkozy can write a 216-page book about his 20 days in jail, imagine how long the prison memoirs of these guys will be?

CAPTION COMPETITION

“Wow, that’s the biggest turkey since my tariffs plan.”

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Last week, we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“Emmanuel Macron contemplates post-presidency career as professional 10-pin bowler.”

by Susan Allen