Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

“I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot no deputy” — Bob Marley, 1973

“I love a serif, so I had to shoot the Calibri” — Marco Rubio, 2025

The United States is breaking up with a font because it’s just not their type.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio has ordered American diplomats to use the Times New Roman font in official communications and drop Calibri, which was brought in during the Joe Biden administration and is now described as a “wasteful” diversity move, according to an internal department cable seen by Reuters.

The State Department started using Calibri because it’s easier for people with visual disabilities to read. But these are the Donald Trump years, so those people seemingly no longer matter.

As well as being yet another blow for those with poor eyesight, this is surely yet another example of the EU being shut out by the Americans. Calibri was the brainchild of a Dutchman, Lucas de Groot, whereas Times New Roman was designed for The Times of London newspaper.

It does, however, fit with studies that have been carried out into the politics of typefaces, which suggest that sans serif fonts (such as Calibri) are more popular with liberals, while conservatives prefer a serif font (of which Times New Roman is one of the most popular).

This being the Trump administration, it was something of a surprise that the font Trump Mediaeval wasn’t chosen (and yes, that is an actual font — dating from 1954 — and not a description of how ICE raids are conducted).

Maybe they should have chosen an American font, such as (and you knew this was coming) Comic Sans or, perhaps even Wingdings.

Speaking of which, back in 2019 the British Conservative Party tweeted that “MPs must come together and get Brexit done” in Comic Sans, in what may have been a low point even for Brexit.

It’s not just fonts that are being targeted by Trump, it’s also tourists, who may have to hand over five years of social media activity before they are allowed into the U.S. (imagine reading five years’ worth of someone’s LinkedIn posts? The horror! The horror!)

The new rules would also require travelers to provide emails, phone numbers and addresses used in the last five years. Maybe the customs and border agents can reply to all those unopened and unwanted emails offering to “redesign my website.”

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“Look, if I were you I would take over Pakistan.”

by Albrecht Rothacher