Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Sure, Donald Trump has massive bunker-busting bombs capable of obliterating all in their wake — but Europe’s leaders have their own killer weapons: concerned posts on X!

It’s been a stellar week for impotent pleas on social media, as Israel and Iran exchanged fire, the United States went studs-up with its big old bombs — and European politicians leaped to their keyboards to call for de-escalation on a social media platform Trump’s not even using.

“With tensions in the Middle East at a new peak, stability must be the priority,” thundered Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, just as Trump made a loud “KA-BLAMO!” noise in the White House situation room.

“The situation in the Middle East remains volatile and stability in the region is a priority,” droned Keir Starmer, as he checked to see if his WhatsApp notifications from the U.S. prez had somehow been muted.

“Engaging in dialogue and securing a clear commitment from Iran to renounce nuclear weapons are essential to avoid the worst for the entire region,” Emmanuel Macron offered up, while donning a radiation suit and popping into the bunker, just to be on the safe side.

EU foreign affairs chief Kaja Kallas went further still, offering up words that will have no doubt sent shivers down spines in Tehran, Jerusalem and Washington. “EU Foreign Ministers will discuss the situation tomorrow,” she warned. At least they’re all keeping busy.

We chuckle, but maybe it is having an impact. The Don seemed to take all this posting-things-into-existence to heart. Over on Truth Social — like X but featuring just one self-obsessed diva rather than multiple millions — Trump was begging our old friend the global oil price to stop being so very naughty.

“EVERYONE, KEEP OIL PRICES DOWN, I’M WATCHING! YOU’RE PLAYING INTO THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY, DON’T DO IT,” he Truthed. OIL PRICES did not immediately respond to a request for comment — but you can bet they were listening.