The answer is, of course, because to be married and become a mother is the cookie-cutter life imposed on women under patriarchy. Let me clear (and in case my mother reads this): I am not saying that I won’t end up following this life trajectory – besides, I’m halfway there – in whatever way motherhood might manifest for me. But to assume that I immediately want a baby because I’m newly espoused and in possession of a uterus undermines everything else that contributes to my identity. It’s as though I’m only complete, I can only achieve my gold star in womanhood, when I become a mother.

The question I have never been asked is, ‘Do you actually want kids?’

It’s arguably a more intrusive question, but it’s one I’d undoubtedly prefer. Of course it’s really nobody’s business but mine and my husband’s, and it’s something we discuss frequently and frankly. But this question at least acknowledges the autonomy I have over my own body and my own life choices. It doesn’t assume that because I’m now married, I must automatically want to have a child. It looks at me more than just a baby-carrying vessel simply because I’m now somebody’s wife.

I love kids. I’ve been an auntie since I was 6 years old, and I’ve known my husband’s niece and nephew, now 6 and 2 respectively, since they were born. The love I have for them is insurmountable. Seeing some of my friends welcome their wonderful children – watching them navigate motherhood while their daughters and sons develop little personalities and interests – has been one of the greatest privileges of getting older.

But I also know that parenthood comes with enormous personal sacrifice and risk, and I’m sure some will think this selfish, but that is not something I take lightly. I’ve worked extremely hard for the life I have, for my career, my friendships and my marriage, and my psychiatric wellbeing. To work hard for these things is also to acknowledge their fragility. Throw a baby in the mix, and they become even more frighteningly breakable.

The reasons why a person may not have children are likely to be multifarious and complex, from the financial burden to fertility issues. Some, like my husband and I, are just simply enjoying being married. There’s a new TikTok trend (or maybe it’s not new, and my algorithm is just rewarding me for putting up with all the nappy ads) where DINKs – double income, no kids – show off their child-free lives. They’re getting eight hours of sleep, they’re travelling, they’re dancing around their kitchen with their pets, they’re simply enjoying spending uninterrupted time together. For now, that suits my husband and I just fine.