It was a Saturday night, and there I was outside a random building in Hackney, second-guessing the choice to wear underwear under my lacy bodysuit. Practical? Not really, but the crotchless slit left me feeling intimidated. My lilac bag, usually home to my laptop, now bulged with a strap-on, condoms, lube, water, and non-alcoholic drinks. Reddit had helped only slightly; yes, I’d overpacked.

I approached the door, wondering how to announce myself. “I’m here for the sex party?” sounded awkward. Before I could decide, they asked for my name. Panic hit when they frowned at their list — was my first sober sex party about to be a no-go?

“I should be on there. Lola invited me,” I said, naming the founder of Lucid Sober Events. That did it, they’d heard of me, the journalist who’d written about sex toys enough to earn an invite from JOYclub themselves.

A quick warning followed: one of the two performances involved self-stapling (using a stapler to attach items to the body), in case that was an issue. Then I was in. Big breath, a tug on my fishnets, and just like that, I stepped into my first sex party… completely sober.

Sober sex parties — why?

I’d always been curious about sex parties, but going alone felt intimidating — and I’ve also been sober for two and a half years. So when the invite arrived, it felt like fate.

I spoke to Lola about why she started Lucid, a series of completely sober kinky events — no alcohol before or during.

“I started Lucid for a variety of reasons, but the most important for me was that, as much as I love the kink scene, there was no space catered to sober people,” she explained. “I wanted to create a space where consent and connection are the priority, where people don’t have to worry about getting triggered by drunk or high attendees, and where kink and sex can be explored without substances.”

Chatting with fellow attendees, I learned many were sober, sober-curious, or simply wanted to play without waking up to a hangover. Some go to sober raves, others attend non-sober sex parties, but they all prefer Lucid because it feels more authentic.

“I really love the atmosphere of a sober party,” Lola continued. “Everyone is friendly, you’re engaging in kink or play with intention, there’s no hangover or anxiety about what you did the night before, and it just feels safer.”

I haven’t been to a substance-fuelled sex party, but I do worry about consent in those settings. Alcohol or drugs can blur boundaries, and without everyone being fully present and clear, things can get complicated fast. That’s part of what makes sober spaces like Lucid so appealing — they create an environment where consent is clear, intentional, and respected.

How does it…work?

Before the event even kicked off, a group chat had been created where attendees could introduce themselves. Some had already met at social events designed for this purpose, but for the first few hours, the chat was surprisingly mundane. People debated the ingredients of hummus due to a potential sesame allergy. Eventually, the NSFW media and introductions rolled in. Privacy is paramount, but let’s just say my Google search history got very colourful, very quickly, as I learned a lot of new terms and kinks.

That hummus debate made sense once I arrived, as the party had a kitchen area. I mean, if you’re going to be getting it on with strangers for hours, snacks are essential. For the first hour, everyone hung out there to socialise; no play yet. I wandered over to a group of strangers and was immediately welcomed. They quickly realised I was a novice in the world of sex parties and answered all my questions, and throughout the night, a few kept an eye on me to make sure I was feeling okay.