You might have heard the phrase DARVO cropping up recently, with viewers of Love Island UK discussing whether participants on the show are using it, or activists talking about how common it is for high-profile men accused of abuse against women to deploy it as a deflection tactic. Journalist and former Senior Advisor to the President of the United States Sidney Blumenthal, for instance, has argued that Donald Trump has used it to successfully manipulate situations in his favour. But it doesn’t just happen on our screens or in Hollywood, it’s extremely common day to day, and understanding what it is and how to spot it is vital.

Terms such as ‘gaslighting’ have fully entered our lexicon, but DARVO – which is often interlinked with gaslighting, and just as common – is less a recognised tactics used in emotional abuse. It can happen in romantic relationships, in families, friendships, even at work. And unless you know what to look for, it’s easy to miss.

So, what is DARVO?

The term stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It was coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, and it describes a pattern where a person accused of harmful behaviour immediately denies it, attacks the person confronting them, and then shifts the blame – casting themselves as the true victim in the situation. Freyd noted that this occurs, for example, “when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser’s credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”

It often sounds like:

“Why are you always trying to make me the bad guy?”

“I never hit you, I just pushed you away when you were being dramatic.”

“You’re so sensitive, it’s like I can’t do anything right around you.”

“You’re making me feel so bad. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.”

“You’re abusing me, too.”

For those experiencing this abuse, over time it chips away at your reality. It’s common for victims to start questioning whether what they experienced was real, and turning the blame on themselves – which is exactly the goal of the person using DARVO to manipulate.

There have been fictional depictions of DARVO, although often not spelled out explicity as such. Like in Big Little Lies with the character Perry Wright, who every time Celeste calls out his violence, he flips it. First, he denies hurting her. Then, he accuses her of provoking him. Finally, he becomes the one who’s suffering – “I’m only like this because I love you so much.” It’s textbook DARVO.

We see it in You, where Joe Goldberg consistently manipulates women into believing he’s just a misunderstood romantic, even as his behaviour becomes controlling and violent. He denies, attacks, reframes. Over and over again.

DARVO can happen outside of domestic abuse and violence, too. Like when a partner cheats, gets caught, and then says something like “You’ve been so cold lately, what did you expect?” Or when you confront a friend about a boundary they’ve crossed, and they respond with: “Wow, I guess I’m just a terrible person then.” Suddenly, you’re the one doing damage control, even though they hurt you.

Everyone’s Invited, a charity dedicated to exposing and eradicating rape culture with empathy, compassion and understanding, witness DARVO all too often. A spokesperson for the charity tells GLAMOUR: “At Everyone’s Invited, across thousands of testimonies, we often see DARVO as a recurring tactic used by perpetrators when confronted with allegations of abuse. It begins with denial, followed by personal attacks on the survivor, and ends with the abuser casting themselves as the true victim.”