Nosey listening is eavesdropping on another, possibly juicer conversation, that is happening elsewhere whilst you are meant to be talking to someone else.
If you have identified yourself in one of the above categories or know someone in your life who is guilty as changed we need to work on, or encourage others to work on becoming an active listener.
This is vital because we need to remember building a connection is an active, not a passive, process, and there is nothing that shows you care about someone or that you are open to connecting or boosting a connection more than truly and really listening without anticipating what they are going to say. So if you want to make actual connections on dates or network at work you need to work on trading toxic listening habits for active ones and it’s so much simpler than you think.
Step One: Stop moglecting a conversation.
That’s neglecting a conversation by going on your phone. A study found that 89% of us used their phone during their most recent social interaction and 82% of people said it deteriorated the conversations they were in. Are you surprised? When you last went for dinner with a friend did you have your phone on the table? Yes? Was it turned over? Maybe! But even if it was, that is a visual distraction for you and a subliminal message to the person you are conversing with that the phone is more important to you than what is happening in front of you. So let’s make all social interactions a phone free zone — put them firmly away so they are out of sight and out of mind.
Step Two: Open your body language and trade technology for touch.
With your phone out of your hand you can reach out to someone and bring them into your space. It will allow you to non- verbally respond to the other person’s words and emotions, making you come across as a truly empathetic person. Make sure your body language is open, don’t close yourself off by crossing your arms or having your body turned away from someone. You need to face them fully with an open body to show you are physically locked in and welcoming them into your space.
Step Three: Don’t interrupt.
Sparingly share your experiences if someone is sharing with you and make sure if you are going to share your own stories they are relevant. In the same vein don’t offer unsolicited advice. If your friend needs to get something off their chest ask them, “do you want me to offer advice or just listen,” instead of offering advice without checking first.
Step Four: Be attentive through eye contact.
Yes eye contact can feel overwhelming and awkward but it’s a proven fact that humans find other people more attractive when they make eye contact and direct eye contact decelerates your heart, so if you are feeling nervous on that date or that job interview it will calm you down. Doing this at work too means people are more inclined to build relationships with you when you look them in the eye. Finding this overwhelming? Here’s a trick I have learnt, focus on one eye, not two so you don’t get so overwhelmed and the person you are speaking with won’t know the difference.
Step Five: Do some housekeeping on your mind.
Before going to meet a friend, take a deep breath and try to shake off the day, or if you are talking to someone you disagree with, put your opinions on ice when someone is sharing so you can really listen. We all need to work at trying to understand each other and not shut ourselves off to other opinions. You might never agree but at least you might understand their viewpoint a little better or find out why they arrived at their opinion.
Step Six: Advocate for yourself.
If someone keeps talking over you when you are speaking, call them out politely and calmly by saying, “I am sorry but what I am saying matters to me. I have given you the grace of listening to you, so please can you listen to me.” Any toxic listener will malfunction in this situation and be politely encouraged to actively listen.
The best news is, if you do all of these steps regularly you will become a certified active listener which will not only make you socially attractive it will turn listening into a mindful practice. I look at actively listening as mindful listening. It’s a self-help practice we should all partake in as it forces us to zone into the moment and cut out other distractions. Mindfulness is paying attention to, being open to and truly experiencing the present moment and we all want to be more present, don’t we? I personally have also found that if I am stressed about anything in my life, if I focus on a great chat with someone and on what they are saying, my anxieties and worries dissipate.
In a world where wellness practices can cost the earth, this is one practice that is totally free and you can practice it everyday. And if in doubt remember this: you have two ears and one mouth so let that be a visual reminder to listen twice as much as you talk.
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