It’s no great secret that pleasure is complicated — especially for women. In fact, studies have found that only 39% of women regularly orgasm during sex, compared to 91% of men. And, yes, while it can help to have a partner who — well — knows what they’re doing, that’s not always the thing stopping women from getting the most out of their intimate experiences. One of the biggest blocks might actually be your own brain.

“Most of us spend the majority of our day in our head, planning, analysing and overthinking,” explains sexual wellness expert and Kama founder Chloé Macintosh. “But pleasure, presence and intuition don’t live only in the head — they live in the body.”

If you struggle to get out of your head during sex, you might find that you have a disconnect between your desire and your arousal. You may think and feel that you want the other person. But in the moment, you might not actually feel all that aroused.

Arousal vs. desire — what’s the difference?

Yes, there is a difference. “We often use desire and arousal interchangeably, but they’re not quite the same thing,” Macintosh says. “Understanding the difference can change how you experience sex and intimacy.”

Desire, she explains, is all about motivation and impulse. It’s the thought — or the feeling — that you want sex. “It can originate in the mind — through memory, fantasy, or emotional longing — or in the body, as a felt craving for touch or connection,” she says.

Arousal, on the other hand, is purely about being physically turned on — though it can also start in the mind.

“Sometimes desire sparks arousal, and other times physical or mental arousal awakens desire. You can feel one without the other,” she says. “Both are valid, and both are deeply connected to your personal erotic landscape.”

What’s blocking your arousal?

It’s probably something going on in your mind. “Often, if we start thinking, we stop feeling — and then arousal escapes us,” she says. “Arousal is slippery: when you lose focus, it disappears.”

Our relationship with arousal is shaped early

The things that turn you on and get you physically aroused tend to take shape quite early — usually as a result of the way you first explore masturbation. “It is important to notice your habits and observe if you experience negative emotions (such as guilt or shame) connected to pleasure,” says Macintosh.

“Reflect on your first memories of pleasure, nudity or sexual energy,” she adds. “What were the rules or reactions? What did you absorb? Ask yourself: Is this something I chose, or something I learned early?”

Arousal lives in both the body and the mind

Although arousal is a physical phenomenon, the mind can get involved too. Things can get blocked when the mind starts doing a little too much work.

“Modern life overstimulates our eyes and disconnects us from our other senses,” says Macintosh. “We often think our way into turn-on, but don’t always feel it from within.”

How to reawaken arousal

“Arousal builds in layers and physical practices can help you re-engage with your sensory world,” she says. “Stay connected to sensations as they arise, and follow your pleasure like a thread. Connect to your breath and move your body, while using your senses — smell, taste, touch — to anchor yourself in each shared moment.”

Get back into your body. Start by focusing on the senses: breath, smell, temperature, sound and movement,” says Macintosh. “This is how we start to feel more.”

She also recommends exploring your fantasy landscape.

“Fantasies often come from memory, visual imagery, past experiences — even from things you saw at a young age,” she says. “That doesn’t make them wrong. It just means there’s something to understand.”

Try to work on owning your fantasies. “Think about your peak sexual experiences — the moments you felt the most aroused,” she suggests. “What made these moments special? What ingredients always seem to turn you on?”

If you’re working on maintaining arousal, Macintosh suggests trying this quick 30-second focus exercise: “While touching your own skin or receiving touch, bring full attention to the exact point of contact,” she says. “Can you feel texture, warmth, and pressure? Breathe into those sensations. Fantasies might initiate desire, but it’s presence that sustains arousal.”

Clue, the world’s most trusted reproductive health app, is expanding into sexual wellness with the launch of its Pleasure & Intimacy Series. The series was created in collaboration with renowned sexual wellness expert and Kama founder Chloe Macintosh.