I came across a satirical headline the other day. It read: “Wow! These people have been in the same friend group for ten years and have never had a one-on-one conversation.” I smirked in recognition, because that’s always what friend groups have felt like to me. At the times in my life when I’ve flirted with being part of a friend group, I’ve found group hangs fun (albeit overwhelming for an introvert with social anxiety), but mostly I’ve struggled with not feeling actually close with each member of the group. It’s like our friendship only existed if we were all there. I wouldn’t text these people outside of the group chat, and I wouldn’t have lunch alone with one of them, for example. So, whether by chance or by design, I’ve always gravitated towards one-to-one friendships instead.

This preference of mine, and my inability to function well in large friendship groups, has been the source of a lot of shame throughout my life. I was bullied over my appearance and general uncoolness in school and have always found the art of fitting in to be elusive. To this day, I struggle to leave a group event without obsessing over what kind of impression I made — and over whether any individual from the group would want to spend time with me by choice, and not just because I happened to be invited to the larger group hang.

Obviously, lots of people thrive as part of friend groups. To use friend group aficionada, Carrie Bradshaw’s famous phrase, I couldn’t help but wonder what it is that attracts some people to friend groups, while others like me are borderline allergic to them. Is it insecurity? Circumstance? Just a personality thing? Unsurprisingly, it turns out the answer is different for everyone — though there are patterns.

“Friendship groups are a more complex social structure to navigate,” says Dr. Lynsey Kelly, a clinical psychologist who specialises in friendship and relationship struggles. “This may be challenging for some individuals — there is a lot to think about in a group. You may have a different level of closeness with each person, which can make it tricky to know how to respond in a group setting.”

That’s definitely been true for me, but for others, this is less of an issue with friend groups and more par for the course. Cristina Jerney, a 30-year-old who’s happily part of a friend group, says that the differing levels of closeness she has with each member of the group don’t bother her. “It’s nice to see everyone when I see them, and I feel happy that we all have strong individual relationships as well (even if every individual relationship may not be ‘equal’),” Cristina says. While she didn’t necessarily have an individual friendship with everyone in her friend group at first, over the years those have naturally blossomed.

“Groups are sometimes not the best way of accessing friendship for neurodivergent individuals who may prefer a different way of talking and relating, e.g. some neurodivergent people prefer to take turns talking in depth about one interest which tends to be less suited to a group,” says Dr. Kelly. Again, this rings particularly true for me: I identify as neurodivergent, and sometimes have the urge to cover my ears like a toddler if a lot of people are talking over one another.

But others have the opposite experience: Hannan Boufas, 30, has lots of one-to-one friendships, but would prefer to have a friend group — though, like so many of us, she finds it hard to make new friends as an adult. “I feel quite overwhelmed having to maintain a conversation in one-to-one relationships,” she says. “In groups I’m able to disengage from conversations if I’m feeling too over-socialised.” So it’s almost like the things I find overwhelming in friend groups are the things Hannan finds overwhelming in one-to-one situations, which just goes to show how differently people process situations.