Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Who’s the greater danger to society — a drunken raccoon, the average user of an e-scooter in Brussels, or people who have to walk in front of the EU’s diplomatic service?

That was a trick question. It’s all of the above!

This week, a raccoon (let’s call him Rocky to honor our elders and betters) in the town of Ashland, Virginia fell through the ceiling of a liquor store, smashed some bottles, got very drunk and passed out on the bathroom floor. We’ve all been there!

We didn’t use to have raccoons in Europe — like baseball caps, Flaming Hot Cheetos and guns, they’ve been imported from America. Yet even raccoons, drunk or otherwise, have yet to make regular appearances in the EU Quarter of Brussels.

For those readers who are unfamiliar with this small area, which is home to the European Union’s main institutions, imagine a sodden, post-apocalyptic wasteland where every other building is a construction site that may never be finished. A wasteland that is populated not by zombies with ripped clothes making ungodly growling sounds, but by people in mid-range suits making ungodly growling sounds (or French, as it’s sometimes known).

To add to the tension, you need to be on the lookout for people riding e-scooters with reckless abandon (fun, er, fact: the collective noun for e-scooters is an annoyance).

However, if you want to hop on an e-scooter in the center of Brussels, you’ll soon need to scan your ID and maybe even take a selfie so the two photos can be compared. This is at least in part because the enterprising drug dealers of Brussels are using the scooters to get around, and definitely won’t think to buy their own scooter, or walk, drive or take the bus etc.

If you survive the eurocrats and the e-scooters, the next challenge in the EU Quarter is to traverse the Schuman roundabout, which was once a major construction project but is now more like a permanent museum commemorating the Battle of the Somme.

Right next to the giant hole where a roundabout should be is the HQ of the European External Action Service (don’t be fooled by the A word), which was this week raided as part of a fraud probe launched by the European Public Prosecutor’s Office in what sociologists are calling EU-on-EU violence.

Thankfully the raid took place in the morning, as Belgium has rules on the timing of such incursions. A decade ago, Belgian secret services located Europe’s most wanted man — Salah Abdeslam — in a Brussels flat two days after the Paris terror attacks, but weren’t allowed to raid the premises between 9 p.m. and 5 a.m.

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“The new Carpool Karaoke looks awful.”

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Last week, we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“Have you even said thank you once?”

by Thomas Wilhelm