Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

The year is 2029 and Donald Trump, who now holds two titles — U.S. President-for-Life and U.K. prime minister — is preparing for a meeting with French President Jordan Bardella and a bunch of 14-year-old YouTubers who happen to be leaders of several major world economies.

The above sentence would have been firmly in the realm of science fiction even a couple of years ago. But now, it doesn’t sound quite so far-fetched.

To coincide with Trump’s state visit to the U.K., a show on “TV channel” GBNews hosted by former Member of Parliament and current haunted pencil Jacob Rees-Mogg asked the question: “Should Donald Trump become Britain’s next prime minister?”

Rees-Mogg helpfully added on social media: “As Trump’s mother was a British subject he could be eligible once he completes his second term in 2029, just in time for our election.”

I mean, could Trump be any worse than Liz Truss (more suited to a demolition derby than running a country)? And could he be any less popular than Keir Starmer (who is about as welcome as an unrequested prostate exam)? The answer to both questions is a resounding yes.

But would Trump even want to rule over a country that has, according to some MAGA supporters on X, been downright rude to him?

“The disrespect of the British government towards our great President continues: President Trump landed in London last night with the First Lady. No red carpet was rolled out. The British Prime Minister did not come to greet him. Just disgusting,” complained Raylan Givens, a self-described “Proud American & Patriot.”  

In Starmer’s defense, the football was on.

Russian propagandists have been amplifying similar concerns, with the St. Petersburg-based Russia News noting: “No red carpet for him in London, just the airplane runway and a few soldiers!” Russia Today noted in a tweet: “NO red carpet for Trump in London. Just tarmac for the Don. PM Kier Starmer rolled out a red carpet for Zelenskyy last month.” 

What they don’t realize is that Britain’s only red carpet was being used to restrain Prince Andrew lest he got close to Trump so they could reminisce about … old times.

Whether Trump was snubbed or not, he was treated to the full British royal experience, minus one rather important detail — the entire thing was kept so far away from the public that it might as well have been happening on the Moon. The high point was a golden carriage ride through the Windsor Castle estate, but with no people there apart from some soldiers who had to be present.

Richard Eden, diary editor of the Daily Mail, described the carriage ride as “embarrassing, like a fairground ride to entertain the US President.”

But Trump loves the pagentary and being made a fuss of. He’s a bit like Czar Paul I (no relation) of Russia, Catherine the Great’s son, who also had an obsession with military pomp and circumstance. He loved parades, and ordered they take place every day in the grounds of his palaces.

Paul I was also very strict, ordering soldiers to be flogged for making mistakes, and he once demanded that an entire regiment march to Siberia as punishment for a poor performance (relenting after they had covered a dozen miles). That’s not far off how Trump treats European leaders, with Siberia replaced by tariffs.

Even Prince Grigory Potemkin despaired of the czar when he ordered that Russian army uniforms be changed. You’ll know Potemkin’s name from the phrase “Potemkin village,” which is when an impressive façade is constructed to hide an undesirable reality. Or, as happened in the U.K. this week, when an undesirable reality comes to visit.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“That’s some nice fur you’ve got on your head.”
“Thank you, soldier.”

Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.

Last week, we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“The exit is over there.”

by Ruth Oppenheimer