Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

The premise of the TV show “The Traitors” (or “De Verraders” in the original Dutch version): lock a bunch of people in a castle and get them to perform a series of tasks in exchange for the chance to win a bunch of money. However, some of those present are designated as ‘traitors’ and must do their best to eliminate the competition without being found out.

The premise of the EU leaders’ retreat at Alden Biesen castle on Friday: basically the same, except with a couple of former Italian prime ministers banging on about how much better things were in their day.

Being asked to go to a retreat in the Belgian countryside in February to talk about red tape with grumpy Uncle Viktor was perhaps the least appealing invitation to a castle since Dracula held his monthly cheese and wine evenings — “if possible, bring a vulnerable friend. Starts at 9 p.m. sharp, and I do mean sharp.”

But it didn’t stop António Costa from booking the EU’s top politicians — well, some of them — in for a bonding session at a castle in between the wedding of Luc and Elisabeth and a corporate away day for employees of a mid-sized accounting firm from Hasselt (probably).

Not everyone was keen.

“I can’t do it … I’m dying, it’s too cold!” Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, not unreasonably, told reporters on her way into the retreat.

A member of one national delegation who, alas, would only speak to my colleagues if both their own name and the name of their country were withheld was not happy with the location or the lack of parking at the castle and called the entire thing “logistical bullshit”, which is also the EU’s motto (nugae vehiculariae).

Would the disgruntled leaders have been swayed by the food offering? Starter was ‘king oyster mushroom carpaccio with a pepper emulsion’ (isn’t that just raw mushroom?) and dessert was a ‘medley of fresh fruits with sorbet’ (which is either a fruit salad given a fancy name or is fruit playing little bits of its greatest hits).

There are, of course, ways to make team-building exercises (sorry, high-level meetings on the future of Europe) more interesting. How about a hologram of Silvio Berlusconi, the ghost of sex parties past? In 2023, a hologram of the ex-Italian PM was used in the small town of Paestum to celebrate “Berlusconi Day,” on what would have been his 87th birthday.

Or you could book Kid Rock for a performance. Rock (how on earth do you refer to Kid Rock on second reference?) is fresh off his MAGA Super Bowl halftime show for people who don’t like foreign languages and could perform hits such as “Don’t Tell Me How to Live”, a favorite of Viktor Orbán’s, and “U Don’t Know Me”, as sung by whoever is this week’s Romanian prime minister. Mr (?) Rock also once guested on a song called “Get Your Lips Off My Beer”, a searing indictment of the single market.

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“Germany’s Eurovision entry can’t wait for the big event.”

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